Not so funny...

If one more person asks if I’m pregnant, they’re going home with a black eye!

While I can see why they ask - my stomach has swelled into a big, podgy, ugly, boated balloon- its not the outcome of some passionate love affair with a tall dark stranger but in fact the effects of an illness/poorly tummy.

Being ill has always put me in two minds…. on one hand I tend to go for days without food, drinking only water – this is great for the diet, after all when your eating 0 calories your bound to lose something right?
On the other hand, when I’m seriously ill it’s my mum who always comes to the rescue and if there’s one type of food I love then its Mums! From toast to home made Chilli, it’s just always better – this is not great for the diet and as I often go up for seconds…. or fifths!

With my latest illness it was definitely a “mum to the rescue” situation. Since mid July I have suffered excruciating aches, pains and cramps that have left me in tears, depressed and doubled over in pain. But just last week the pain was at an all time high and as the little red digits of my bedroom clocked flashed 3.30am I did the only thing I could think of – I called my Mum!
She had soon packed me into the car and we were well on our way to A&E. After a couple of tests it was all put down to an infection that resulted in things becoming inflamed and causing my muscles to spasm from my lower abdomen all the way up to my chest. I was barely able to move – I couldn’t sit, stand, lay or walk! Breathing wasn’t easy and everything I ate and drank soon came up! Unable to do anything for myself my mum insisted on me moving back home until I was able to look after myself.

Now I’ve heard many people say (well mainly uni go-ers to be honest - but they just dont like the fact that they wont be able to drink beer for breakfast and then pee in the bottle throughout the day rather than going to the toilet!) that once you’ve lived away from home, its horrible moving back with the parents!
But if I’m honest – I loved it! Not just because I was waited on hand and foot but because everything was soooo much clearer and easier, just like when I was younger.
My eyes flickered around my old teenage bedroom. It’s a tiny room, just over a metre in length and width - but the memories it brought back were big! From those where I used to sit and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Dean Cain in his blue tights, or where I used to spread all my paper out on the bed as I did my coursework.
As I sat back in that bed and watch that TV again there was one thing that I came to the forefront of my mind – back in those days I never gave a rats arse about my body image!

It’s a thought that has stuck with me – why did I not care back then?? Even the likes of boy trouble and appearance woes never bothered me in my slightly younger days. Then it hit me like Mike Tyson throwing a right hook! Because of mum! I had spent the last week propped up on her sofa – all smelly, pale and spotty– and yet she would always be the first to give me a cuddle, a peck on the cheek or a gentle massage on my achy back.

It doesn’t matter how I look, smell, act, how much I weigh - she loves me all the same! Wash board stomach or belly bulge – it doesn’t make the slightest difference and when I have someone around like that it suddenly doesn’t matter to me either!

I’m now back at my home. I may not be 100% healthy yet but my mind is 100% certain when I say that the diet is over! The exercise is off! And I’m feeling more positive and happy in myself than I have in ages! I love my food and intend to eat whatever I fancy (just in moderation- hopefully) but I’m not sure I’ll be able to top the last week….

After all I have spent the week at mums and have enjoyed all her home cooking – it was gorgeous, totally indulgent – probably because it has a little love added to it!


**The Good Food Guzzler is aware that this blog is not as funny as her previous ones- but if your had crippling cramps in your belly and shooting pains up your arse you may have lost a little humour too!
***The Good Food Guzzler would also like to confirm that although she has mentioned on a couple of occassions that she smells she can confirm that she has since showered (and washed her hair too).